If there’s one realization you come to very quickly after you find out you’re expecting, it’s that the first trimester is really freakin’ boring. After the initial excitement of the positive pee stick, telling the people you’re closest with, buying the baby books etc., there’s not a whole hell of a lot to do while you wait for the ultrasounds and the rib kicking and the protruding belly to show up. So what to do? Download a pregnancy tracker app, of course. (Because how else would you be able to effectively compare your growing child to various types of produce?) These trackers are great if you want a notification every single day that, yes, you’re still pregnant, but they’re not always 100% honest. If they were, here’s what I imagine they’d say:
Week 4: CONGRATULATIONS! If you already know you’re expecting, you are going to have one long ass pregnancy. Buckle up, sista; 10 months feels a lot longer when you’re the one who’s doing the human-growing! (Yeah, you heard that right. You’re gonna be pregnant for 10 months.) Cheers! Oh wait, better make yours a seltzer.
Week 6: That pregnancy glow everyone talks about? Yeah, it’s about as rare as a solar eclipse or men turning down sex. They must be referring to the oil slick on your face from time traveling back to age 14. But, if you’re really lucky, your increased cup size will effectively distract people from your aggressive chest acne. You’ll learn to start celebrating the little victories.